By James Dinnerklieg
Digital Culture Reporter — The Shallot
October 15, 2013
Children engaged in class projects, or simply curious about what something is, have been playing havoc with online advertiser ROI, according to Cynthia Tripani, CEO of Providence, RI-based digital advertising agency Cyan Cyclone, LLP.
“Google seems to be bent on enhancing shareholder value, and has an elaborate agency partnership program,” said Tripani. “Yet sometimes I wonder if they have the proper commitment. Children as young as seven years old are searching for items our clients want to sell, yet they don’t have high purchase intent. They may not even have credit cards! It appears they’re just looking for learning opportunities. That’s nice, but it’s hurting our Quality Scores and driving up CPC’s.”
The problem has escalated to the point where the agency, despondent about Google’s lack of enforcement, has turned to the police to consider laying charges in such cases.
“Yes, we’ve been approached,” acknowledged a perplexed-looking Sgt. Don McConnell of the local police department in an exclusive interview with The Shallot. “Unfortunately, we don’t have full national cybersurveillance powers.” McConnell further implied that the same lack of spatial awareness that would cause someone to set up an ad agency in Providence, RI might hinder them from seeing the wider scope of the FBI, NSA, and other agencies when it comes to interfering with searcher privacy.
It appears the problem extends beyond the prepubescent set. Local industrial container supplier Henry Kendrick noted: “I love Google. I use it all the time to check out new wholesalers. Big, thick, metal containers of all shapes and sizes, with fine work on the reflective logos to add an easy 20% to profit margins… I can look at this stuff all day long. But I only make a supplier decision every couple of years, and that’s usually over a few boilermakers at the annual convention in Chicago.”
It appears that some industry experts agree with Ms. Tripani’s take. James Falconer, a former lead engineer on the Bing Ads team, agrees that “this can be a real problem for advertisers. Word to the wise: if you want full exposure on some of these mass information words such as ‘garter snake’ or the exact match for [stinky], try Bing Ads. Our Quality Score was never all that accurate. Chances are you can stay up there for single-digit pennies per click.”
At press time, children and other conductors of low-buying-intent searches remained at large.
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This story was fake. And don’t try Googling “The Shallot,” the name of a nonexistent satire publication. You may be disgusted by all the ‘information’ you’re forced to look at.